without a compass, happily
Ever since I began blogging on and off a few years back, I've called my site "Happily Without a Compass". Since then I have considered changing it - it's long & looks a bit bulky in your url bar, it may not immediately make sense to my readers, and it's not particularly clever. I've gone back and forth with how I feel about it. But for now it remains and I thought I would share with you guys what it means to me.
For as long as I can remember, I haven't had much direction in my life. I've never had this strong notion of what I want to do. I find it exceedingly difficult to make choices in life, big or small. I don't know where I'll end up next. I don't know what new and strange thing will spark my interest next. I don't know what my purpose is or will be and I don't know what I have to offer to the world. For these reasons, I feel like I have no compass. It can be frustrating, overwhelming and even depressing at times, but I'm trying to learn to embrace the fact that I have a sort of aimless personality. It's not that I don't want to accomplish things or have a career, it's just that I don't know the specific details yet. Oftentimes I feel the implications of society bearing down on me. How can I be 22 years old and not have a college degree or a career or any sort of accomplishments that most people have by now? In my head, everyone looks at me and thinks what a failure I am. Worthlessness is something I struggle with daily and it is one of the hardest emotions I've ever had to deal with. Over the past few years, I've been learning who I am and what I like and who I want to be in the future. But I still don't have all the answers and I'm figuring out (ever so slowly) that that is okay.
I'm still young. I have worth. I love to smile at every person I pass and I take joy in letting people know how great & beautiful they are. I try not to ever put someone in a situation that I know I would feel uncomfortable in. I can put myself in others' shoes and treat them the way I would want to be treated. I have a ridiculously large capacity for loving animals. I have a creative side that I'm still discovering. I can be objective and see validity in differences of opinions. I can find a deal like nobody's business. I am keeping a home for my husband and I. I am good at baking and cooking and love to share food with those I care about. I am bubbly and have brought smiles to many faces. I'm a good wife and I love Mack with all of my heart. I am me and just because I haven't accomplished what society sees as success, I am not worthless. I am happily without a compass.